Babalaas Monday...

1.So bietjie "foreplay"
Sekretaresse aan baas: Sal meneer omgee om as meneer in die oggendinkom, my net so 'n soentjie of 2 agter die oor te gee?
Baas : (half stomgeslaan) Nou waarom sal ek dit doen?
Sekretaresse: Ag meneer, ek hou van so bietjie "foreplay"
voor ek rond gef*k word"

2.When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle
> was devastated.
> A couple of months later, Myrtle also died. Once in heaven,
>
> Myrtle, Anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a cloud, she could
> clearly see him. She ran towards him, calling out his name: "Joe
> darling.."
>
> Joe said: "Hold your horse woman and don't you "darling" me. The deal
> was very clear!! "Until death do us part!

3.During his career as a security guard ...

Tshabalala caught two youngsters shoplifting.

But they fervently denied the offence, speaking loudly, arguing and
constantly interrupting one another.

This went on for some time, until the frustrated Tshabalala shouted:



"Sharrup! Sharrup! Don't speak so twice together, speak once upon a
time!!"

4.Bra Oupa was having an affair with the woman, Sophie, from next door.One Friday morning he lies to his wife he is going to Durban for a seminar.He packs his laptop and bags and tells his wife she won't find himwhen she comes back from work, and slinks next door to Sophie's house.It's now the following morning, Saturday, and he's smiling after a lovelyNight with Sophie.Wearing his gown, he goes to the bathroom and, to his surprise,through the window he sees a man walking around his housewearing the other gown he left at home.He screams: "Hey, jou moer! Wat maak jy by my huis?"The man shouts back: The man of this house is inDurban as we speak."Bra Oupa replies: "Julle gaan KAK as ek terug kom van Durban af!"

5.To Be 6 Again...
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
"I'd like to be six again", she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He
put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

6.One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, "there's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs R20.00 - a lot quicker and cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe deposits urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits R20.00 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits R20.00 pours in his concoction and waits for the results.
The computer prints out the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.(Aisle7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.(1st Floor)
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Woolies!

7.Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"